Today- 11hrs of work, followed by two hours of frantic studying, followed by a quiz, a lecture, and two hours of lab exam

Tomorrow- 8hrs of work(starting at 430am) spaced around 2hrs of school, followed by frantic wedding presentness, finding of WEDDING INVITATION so that I can know when/where/how-to-get-there, and finally cookie-baking, christmas decorating, and truffle rolling.

Saturday- Wedding (finding/witnessing of)

Sunday- 5hrs work, followed by frantic studying for finals, mass, and more frantic studying.

Monday- Frantic studying ALL day

Tuesday- 10hrs work, followed by frantic studying for bio lecture final, and then bio lecture final

Wednesday- Math final, followed by collapsing, and possibly breathing.

So I apologize to everyone who I am supposed to be calling/talking to/making any sort connection to.

I hope someday soon to stop singing this song.

and we have to have out lunches
(though we don't have time to chew)
and we have to order many things
in grey and navy blue

Home again.

Work. School. Homework. Bed.

I am looking forward to the new year. Great, amazing things have happened this year, like all the weddings and people getting into the top med school in the country, but mostly it's been not so great. (For me, personally, going back to school and conquering the clutch! have been really good, but I've never known so much crap to happen to so many people I know.)

I am thoroughly convinced that next year will be better, and I am very excited for it to get here.

I don't have to hear it / if I don't want to
I can drown this out / pull the curtains down on you
It's a heavy world / it's too much for me to care
If I close my eyes / it's not there

Today I wrote a beautiful sentence. It said exactly what I wanted it to say, gave the exact impression i wanted it to give, and is pretty much perfect. If I wrote one, i can write another.

So the food was marginally better this year (next year, though, there will have to be new and exciting things)

and then the cousin who came over called to say that she had been diagnosed w/ H1N1 (not so big a deal for the family, since we've all had it, but Grandma is 84. Tough old lady, living all alone in a big house up in the mountains with eleven dogs, but 84 none the less)

and then said 84 year old Grandma trips on STUPID dog and falls, hitting her head and twisting her hip. No concussion despite half a mintue of unconciousness, nothing broken, but very exciting evening. I am now told at least once a day by parents and grandmother that I will be a fantastic ER nurse.

and then there was the forest fire. . . which blew smoke all over us, but amounted to nothing.

Parents and little people are staying an extra week to take care of Grandma while she gets her movement back, so I am heading home via bus tomorrow. It should be an unbelievably exciting adventure, but I need to get back to work and school. Dull day tomorrow, and then back to run-run-run until. . . next Monday?

Ugh.

Altogether, a rather disappointing holiday. For Christmas, much lower expectations.

I'm in no weather for apologies
I need your runway lights to burn for me

Thursday morning was getting up at 4am (huRAY!) to get to the swim center at 430am to change both brominators and handfeed comp(the first of three times that day) followed by general/ordinary swim center craziness until 330pm. Thursday evening was Bio class (and ruining my perfect 100% since the midterm by bombing the daily quiz.)

Friday was a strangely quiet dinner at Msgr's. A bird flew into the house, and we had white/bacon lasanga, lamb, and lemon honey fruit salad, but we were a very quiet bunch. Even me. I got to see MaryBeth, who lives so close and yet I never hang out with. We decided that since she will be up at the christmas shop so often, there will definetely have to be more hanging out.

Saturday was ushering with Maureen at roundhouse. Fantastic play called 27 (pr 28) miles, about a child of divorced parents and her crazy cuban mother. Funny, deep, real. I got lost for five mintues on the way (mostly because mapquest sent me on a new route, and i was looking at the wrong side of the street) but arrived on time, and Maureen got there shortly after. We got off pretty light, only had to seat three people, and mostly stood around looking decorative and discussing nursing.

Sunday was packing and homework, and now. . .

A full week at Grandma's!!!

Grandma's house is a small mansion in the mountains of Virginia. Up in the woods, away from the road. Secluded. Safe. Away from Washington. Away from hustle/bustle. Away from everthing.

It's the house I've been coming away to all my life. It's a house full of my great-grandmother's paintings, artifacts gathered from all around the world from all the places my dad lived as a kid. It's the place where cousins get together and uncles sit around playing poker, telling stories and laughing (and I don't think anyone laughs like the Buffoon Brothers.) It's the house where my grandfather died, and I really feel like nothing bad can happen to me while I'm here.

So, yes. One of my favorite places in the entire world. Maybe my very favorite.

This week:
-mass with grandma
-Mucho grande baking/cooking (cookies, cinnamon rolls, mulled wine, everything thanksgiving)
-sitting around with family
-Traditional black friday shopping
-visits to the best used book store ever

here is the place
where the light is made

LJ tells me that it has been two weeks since I last updated. Are you certain, LJ? Well, maybe, life has been /way/ too busy.

First there were tests, like the math test which is actually three tests, followed by sitting in bio going, test? next week? WHAT!?! Oh sure, it's in the syllabus, but who reads syllabi?

Not much has been happening, and it has been happening fast. The school year is almost done. Bio is practically over, since we have one more lecture exam, one more lab exam, and no cumulative final. Hurray! Math has one more test (which had BETTER NOT be the monday after thanksgiving, since that would be unpardonably cruel), and then the final. The big, scary final.

There will be four or five days after classes to study for said tests, and then I'll be done the 16th/17th of December. I think I'm going to miss the craziness of finals at school. You know? When everyone was having study parties, staying up until 3am in the library, wearing pjs all day, and generally going nuts. Even if I don't miss much about college, I miss the community aspect. Maybe I will go hang out with curt and maureen and study.

So next semester I am thinking about taking three hard sciences, each of which include a lab and in the case of chem, an extra lab discussion. Is this really such a good idea? I will be taking courses that Charles has taken (and pretty recently in the case of micro, or is now taking higher levels of it). The only exception is A&P I, but Maureen has already volunteered to help with that. I don't know how much time she'll have, going off and getting a Real Job as she is, but still.

The other caveat is working all that into my schedule, since class and labs sometimes/always are difficult to schedule around. Plus, the new year means that I can work eight more hours at the pool, and only God knows how I'm going to fit that in. . . Which leads me to thinking about summer, and summer employment (which I am fairly certain I only /just/ finished a few weeks ago), which leads me to think about finances.

ugh.

Basically, I live 45min at least from MC takoma (though it strangly only takes about twenty five mintues to get back to g-town) and at least an hour from Howard. I will be taking nursing courses there starting, at the earliest, next fall. I may be waiting until summer '11 and doing the excellerated program for howard. (See, it's basically the same price. The MC program is good, as everyone tells me, but every single person who took the NCLEX from howard accl. passed it, and they all have jobs. For me, particularly since I plan on going on for the four year degree and eventually for a masters, it's just a question of conviences and time. Since I will have everything except my core nursing classes done next fall, it's possible to accelerate through the MC program and get out earlier. Maybe not fun, but doable.)

It would be really, really nice to get an apartment over that way at summer's end or next fall. I even have someone who wants to live with me:) The question, of course, is money.

HA. I will now win the lottery and never worry about it again. (Though they say that most lottery winners are broke in not very many years.)

mwa. ha. ha.

currently, i am doing laundry, homework, attempting to pull myself out of the ravine of NaNoWriMo (it's all dialouge, which is so weird, and though some world concepts are really clear to me, i don't know anything about the characters. im very curious to find out their stories), and this. Two hours until bed, and running the whole way!

oh, so much for talking
it's all been said before
im hearing something
but I wish you'd just say more

The first day of NaNoWriMo is over, and I am already behind.

However, this is the most I have ever written for a November. Which is sad, but also encouraging. I really need, and have for /quite/ some time, a new story and new characters to obsess over.

Perhaps the secret is not to give myself lots of time to do stuff. Maybe the secret is to do lots and lots, and give myself more to do than i can actually accomplish. Frankly, having lots of free time is just not working for me.

So it's pretty much "hurry up and go" until Friday. I have a math test to prep for, more flashcards to write than I can shake a stick at, work and SO much writing.

Snows in my bones
I dream of the white sea

Word Count : 756

Oh, HURRAY!!! It's time for the monthly/biweekly/daily existential crisis! I haven't had one yet in October, but then again I might have used up my entire quota for the next three years over the summer . . It's like 15-20 seconds every month, right? More than seems pretty self-indulgent.

BUT- instead of 15-20seconds of rolling and screaming on the ground, can I have an hour or two of semi-lethary, wondering why I want to go to work/school, get out bed/write/make lunch for tomorrow? Sure, it's not as much fun, but whatever.

I'm just tired. See, I stayed up until 2am making bio flashcards watching hellsing ultimate (I watched the first one and thought, this will be great to watch on halloween! I will save it! and then watched another OVA, and another, and another. . .) and baking sourdough bread (which the little people have devoured but for which the starter isn't quite strong enough yet.) Yes, Rebecca. Excellent use of time.

I am making progress, and have actually at this point done everything that  ABSOLUTELY MUST be done (like working and getting good grades and paying bills ontime and waiting on that second job) but still can't quite shake that 

doom doom doom

feeling. Is this the shadow of the frying pan hanging over me?

Usually existential crisisness is a sign of burnout, or immenent burnout. Since I have been doing so very well, I've had this vague idea in my head that next weekend (when I might, gasp, have the house semi-not-quite-to-myself) I was going to bake, watch tv and movies, and generally chill. Which would be very nice. . .

I do have a math test to study for, and I really do need to write more, or something.

Hm, those "or something"s are troublesome. . . but I will just do better.

I know I'm the Lucky One
tho I'm always the last to believe
I know I'm the Lucky One
cause I'm here
and you're with me

I have /so/ much studying to do for tomorrow's test, and I absoultely do not feel like doing any of it.

This week is too busy. I have work, regular studying, studying for tests, testing for a new job (nothing exciting though, believe me), sending off letters and packages I was supposed to send last week, a party, a wedding, cleaning, and shopping for a bridesmaid dress. (I have five weddings this fall/winter, though I will probably only attend four.) And also, hanging out with Christen, who is up from NC. We did go apple picking, and shopped for jeans at kohls, but she's deploying in January, so. . .

I feel like I'm so far behind that I will /never/ catch up. We went to RennFest last weekend, which was /wonderful/, but I basically didn't have any time over the weekend to do, well, anything. Except a little bio and due math hw.

I'm blaming my room, which is too small and too cluttered. I swear that I'm just going to throw everything away.  Well, except grace. grace can stay.

and we think think there is a reason
to be running neck-and-neck
and it must be quite imporant
but we don't have time to check

I have /got/ to stop wasting days like this. School and work take up under 40hrs a week, so I should have plenty of time to do all the things that need to get done.

Like
-write Megan's card (which i have now bought twice, because i left the first one somewhere)
-write Kristen's card (and find/make a birthday present for her)
-call all of the friends i haven't talked to in forever (and that list would be an entire 'nother entry, almost equaled by the list of people im supposed to be organizing get togethers with)
-reorganize my room (i live in tiny little townhouse with ::counts quickly:: sevenish other people, and share a room with one little an 8 by 10 little girl who has 20x her body weight in stuffed bunnies, so it's never going to be the pristine, unclutteredness i want, but it could be so much better. or, maybe i should just start going to the library, or studying over at curtanded's while I still can)
-write (um, and write, and write, and write, and write. . . I am facing up to the fact that at least /some/ of my reluctance to write has to do with the fear of failure, and I did write almost a full page today (more than in the previous two months combined) but COME ON!!!)
-read good books (ie, not the kind that drop the IQ with every turn of the page)
-get ahead in studying (really, i should be getting the AP book and setting myself down to memorizing. Getting perfects makes me lazy, though. I bought a dry erase board to help with bio, so we'll see if quizzes go better.)
-writie
-find that second job (which i /need/)
and finally
-either reshedule or cash out with my therapist. I can't decide whether I should go one more time. . .

tomorrow, though, is another day. I will make it a good one.

I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

 

Today, much math, much bio, the first run in twoish months, massive amounts of cookie baking, and finally writing. (I couldn't find my copy of the manuscript, the one with all the NOTES in it, and was sort of freaking out last night, but I found it and all is well.)

I am in a strange place of wanting to write all about S&P, but also being thourghly sick of them. (I do love them, really I do. I just realized that while I love for the first book, I really don't know where the CONFLICT is going to come in the second and third. The first has so much emotion, how will I ever find a satisfying continuation and conclusion? I have thought, in despair, that I could just leave the ending of the first book as the finis, but that would be just  _so_ mean.) Time for another duo with different personalities and different problems and different situations.

It worries me, a little, that I'm not more enthusiastic about OUaT. I am excited, I think, and I love the characters, and it makes me laugh and smile. . . BUT progress has kind of stalled, (by which I mean I haven't been sitting down and writing.) Given that I have sort of a procrastination issue anyway, but I still worry.

But I worry about everything (like, how am I ever going to handle working, other working, classes and EVERYTHING ELSE when I start taking serious classes?), and my characters, well, it would be difficult to love them more than I do. Yeah, I know, it's kind of sad to be so attached to the figments of my imagination, but there you are.

I'm so scattered today. I keep mispelling things and mixing stuff up. On to VAMPIRE BATS and ATTICS and FLUFFY MONSTERS!!!

Christmas strings, Christmas strings
Playing the peace that Christmas brings
Fiddle and bow, Gentle and Low
Play me your Christmas strings

September is going so quickly.

The third week of school has come and gone. Thursday brought a surprise! test in Bio (which was only a surprise because I didn't read the syllabus so I didn't realize it was coming until Tuesday. Still, despite stressing, I think it turned out alright. (Which means I don't think I totally bombed it. It ended up being repeat questions from the quizzes and we didn't actually have to tell polar, nonpoloar, acidic and basic amino acids apart.) Both classes are going well, and will get better.

I hadn't slept Monday night at all, though I lived through the experience, so I decided to take a sleeping pill Wednesday. (Tuesday and Thursday are 5:30-3:30 managing, so I sometimes am kept awake by the very fact that I am /not/ asleep but really need to be.) I wasn't sure what really to expect, cause I tend to not react to medication the way I'm supposed to (like cold medication has no effect on me whatsoever and wellbutrin never kept me away), so I expected it to not do anything, but it put me out in thirty mintues. I was fighting it too, believe me, but it put me out. Sorta groggy in the morning, but the tired edgy was defintely missing and I was full of energy.

So, hurray. Really, I need to start running and lifting again.

Work is a little different with so many people gone, but I have mostly avoided having dramatic people on my shift. Which is nice. . .

I continue to see lots of people. Monday, for instance, when I met other Becca and we discussed all things wedding, along with summer drama, and life in general. Wednesday was church people, and this week is Lauren.

And next weekend is Fiesta, which is my favorite thing ever. Maybe not as exciting as it used to be since Kristen will still be far away in Washington (which, as one my classmates told me, has either the #1 or #2 med program in the country. I did not realize that. Of course I knew that she was wonderful and amazing and sparkly, so it's not really surprising, but she's just so unpretentious about the whole thing), but it will be preceded by apple picking! and apple pie making! (maybe maureen and curt will come help??)

Apple picking on monday! Hurray! My other favorite thing ever.

This weekend has been mostly relaxing, discovering a box of anne mccaffrey in the basement and reading some of it, sleeping in until eleven(I didn't know I could still do that), catching on on Fringe, and watching movies with Grace. Last night, Grace and I went to blockbusters for the new Barbie movie (Barbie and the Three Musketeers, if you must know. It was exciting, with enough color to make your eyes jump out of your head and run screaming into the night, girl power pop, and really ridiculous acrobatics. They didn't have it at the first store, gasp, so we searched out another and, thank god, they had it. Then, there was the liquor store for some cream sherry (for mom and I, not grace), giant for potstickers, and then another giant for low salt potato chips. 

She got the brains
She got the looks
She knows all the right people
Reads all the right books

 

I have survived, in case anyone was wondering.

So far, math is good. I don't think I've ever encountered a teacher who wanted so badly for her students to do well in the course. Which is good, because math is, well, math. Despite quizzes and homeworks, I have 100% so far, and I keep going, "Oh, I remember this. . ."

Bio is also good, though not quite 100%. I'm working on it, I'm working on it. . . The only thing bad about biology is that it makes me want to run away and become a scientist. It's all just so interesting. So far, I am resisting the urge, but I get around microscopes and bunson burners and then I think, maybe. .

In particular, I survived Thursday. See, I didn't sleep the night before (blame nerves or a hot house) and the work day was so long and then there was studying and then class and then a lab. I had a candy bar before the lab, and that perked me up. It will be better this week, because I will not be rushing to do stuff in between work and school. I will get ahead this weekend on studying and homework, and then if I need to take a nap, I can take it.

So everything is good

except that I need a second job, and have no idea what place will hire me for ten hours a week, and while very happy to work more, am not particularly thrilled about going through the whole resume/interview thing. I keep dropping that I am looking into conversation and hoping that someone will say "Oh, I know that BLAH is looking for people." No luck so far. I have a few weeks before it becomes really dire, but sooner is better than later.

And, I feel like a slug. Today, the first day since Aug 22nd that I've had totally off, I got no studying and no writing done. I went to my little sister's soccer game, caught up with a girl I haven't seen in five years (we had lunch, talked about Italy, how tall everyone in my family has gotten, how she still thinks of curt as paul, the single life, and what's been going on since we last talked. i mentioned how wise it was that she had her career path planned while it took me so long to get it straight, and she told me that some people never figure it out. that made me feel better:-P), and went to a movie with charles and josh.

This week, I felt like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. IE, working and studying. There wasn't time for anything else.

Now, I need to get back on the exercise wagon, start writing again, and find that second job.

I am feeling more connected with people, though. No more floating on my own in the infinite space between stars. Random Christen last weekend, Sarah today, Becca on Monday, lots of mobile contact with Kristen and nee-chan, the occasional thought from ronnie, and lots of other random facebooking/meetings.

So, although MC has yet to yield up a group of friends, it's okay.

slow motion sparks
you've caught that chill
now don't deny it


 

but the little people return tomorrow! 6-8 of 8 are finally coming back.

bout time.

I love what you are
I love what you do
fuzzy little snuggle puppy
I love you

Getting up before five tomorrow, and the thought just makes me tired. . .

However, if I make it through the early wake-up call, the ten hours of work, the mad cleaning/studying(for quiz/new reading/ finishing lab work) which must happen in the 2.5 hours between work and school, i will have time. Wednesday, I have one class and then. . . well, then doing the homework, and returning my chem book, and studying for thursday, but the point is-

I can't believe I'm not going to get in the car tomorrow and drive over to MV. I'm not going through that stop sign again. No outdoor pool. No blue time sheets. No other lifeguards.

So weird.

I never did get my bubble bath! I'll probably have to wait until october to get the house to myself again. Of course tonight, the one night when it's cool enough and I'm actually in the mood for it, is the one night I really have to go to bed.

poof, and life changes again.

And I'm just the ground
you happened to fall on
when you lost your balance
walking around in the rain

Short, because I have to go to bed because, while so many other people are enjoying a lovely three-day weekend, I will be working. Still working, I might add, and when I finish with MVF at 8ish Monday night, I will get up the following morning for ten hours of GISC followed shortly by two hours of class.

Plus, this weekend I have to clean the house in preparation for homecomings, do homework, and somehow get my keys back for the center.

I finally baked the cake in celebration of completing my first week of classes (with somewhat mixed results) and finishing summer work, but the cauliflour (which is as big as my head) is still in the fridge. I hope it will still be useable when I get around to it. I also celebrated by getting a candle from Michaels.

I'm just wild, I know. Stand back, gimme some room.

Anyway, it has been. . . a summer.

Wow.

and Kristen- I stood up to go inside and stepped on a slug. Guess I spoke too soon. Oh, i also talked to your father last sunday and he said that if we do move to mongolia, we will have to get used to rancid yak butter in our tea.

no one's here to light the candle
no one's here to light the way
something I will have to handle
my way

Today I woke up, and it was fall. The air was cool, the sky was crisp and so blue, and it smelled like halloween, apple-picking, and falling leaves.

You can have summer: I love autumn.

It was cool, and much too cold for swimming. I had two lessons, and the second one was late- arriving after i had gotten out and dried off. I ended up staying fourty-five mintues later than I expected to help the girls go off the board. The little boy who wouldn't even get in the water at the beginning (seriously, we started out by getting him in the baby pool) is now swimming freestyle. He made me a picture, and it was so adorable.

Math was both hopeful and scary. I like the teacher, and she seems very enthusastic and there are so many chances for extra practice, but just looking at the material induced panic.

Seriously, why did we ever come out of the caves? if quadratic equations and logarithems are the result, we should go back.

I've done it all before, most of it anyway, but it's been a while. On the other hand, I'm already doing so much that I never thought I could, that I think it might actually work out.

The past few days have brought bad and good news. Bad: the chem class i signed up for, the only one that fit my schedule, is in rockville. So that doesn't work, but I think I'll just take the more advanced course next semester and that will keep howard as an option for me. Now, if only I could find the receipt for the book. . .

Good news: so I thought that I would barely be making ends meet this month with summer money. Except, it turns out that I should have this entire last check to put away for next semester. It will be a big one, like four digits, so that is wonderful. The down side of that, of course, is that it's not nearly enough. (I'm hoping to pay for most of my nursing studies so that I'm not beholden to a hospital and can go wherever kristen's residency ends up being.)

It's kind of sad, considering that it's around school and working more than full-time, but I'm trying to find time to relax this week. (Vacation should not mean the five hours between when I get home and when I have to go to sleep.) It's cool enough for a hot bath, and there is lots of SD3 to be played, and TV shows to be watched.

:yawn:

The priest from Togo was at mass this sunday, and it reminded me that part of what decided me for the nursing thing is wanting to go there. Which means I have to learn french. Would you come with me, nee-chan?